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Take your partner to her home twice a week and leave him there. As for her having your child 2 days per week your right in saying No. Your child is not now nor will she ever need to be an emotional support baby.
Stand your ground on this one and dint back down.
All your other posts are as the boyfriend. Why are you pretending to be your GF?
This is the only post OP has written?
Edit: I assumed that the users were different but reading I can see they did write the post. My apologies. Also yeah what’s up with that?
Even if you were ok with bringing your baby to her home twice a week (and it's ok that you aren't), if she ordered you to do it like that, you shouldn't. You're an adult, not her toddler. As someone else said, your baby is not her support animal, and it's probably not good for your baby to be treated that way.
Tell her no, and don't do it.
Here is the beautiful thing about being an adult. You can say no. You don’t have to let someone else dictate what you will or will not do.
She doesn't get to make demands. Your BF needs to grow a fucking spine. If she can't ask, fuck her. Your kid, not hers
Why is your account history that of a 22m? Are you spoofing on your wife’s behalf?
I just had to look at the profile when you said that yes they removed the post but look at ops comments clearly a 22m writing about their 25f wife here. so what's up with that? honestly I think the baby should NOT be used as a support animal and the mother of the bf/husband needs actual therapy because this isn't ok. the JNMIL in this situation doesn't need access to a baby to play the role she wants. she needs clear boundaries on what is and isn't ok. she needs medical help first because this can cause very unhealthy relationships down the line.
DO NOT QUESTION YOURSELF HONEY!!! DID SHE HELP PUSH THAT LITTLE GIRL OUT OF YOU??? I THINK NOT.
YOU MAKE THE RULES. SET SOME FIRM BOUNDARIES!!
You're totally correct about granny using your baby as an emotional crutch. Not OK at all. Creepy. Watch out for her ..
It might take some time, but if you stick to your guns, she'll realize her place.
Also- start documenting NOW my dude . Just do it please. Create a folder on your PC & if she sends your anything nasty or controlling over YOUR child - save it.
No girl, if this lady wants baby at her house 1) she can ask “hey you mind if me and so and so get to have a little more bonding time?”, if you have stuff planned try to tell her, “sorry, we’re doing this today but how is next week?” and 2) she can drive to and from to drop baby off. Let her know what time she can come and get baby in the same convo. Don’t even wait for her to ask you to drop her off. If she challenges you maybe suggest taking turns if it isn’t a huge deal to you, and after that if she persists that you must drive baby, hand her over to your bf because she’s being difficult at that point. Honestly your boyfriend should be the one (in my humble opinion) to deal with his mom in the first place, especially since you’ve expressed to him that she’s annoying you. He should hear you out on that. In my own relationship I don’t deal with my mans mom and he doesn’t deal with mine. Both can be nutty and it’s easier to have the person who’s mom it is deal with the crazy. Why grandparents feel so entitled to their grandchildren I will never understand.
From the text, the BF will not get involved. If he does it’s to get her to back down not his mom. This won’t end well unless he has a come to Jesus moment.
No, that’s your child and you are not married to her son! I say if she can’t come to your house then it’s not really that important for her to see her grandchild. Boundaries need to be set because she can’t demand anything from you.
This may be overreacting on my side, but she feels she has a right to your child. Very quietly start documenting her behavior. If she sends you a nasty text, screenshot and save some where your bf will never find. Have a blow up argument? Send yourself an email about it. In 3 years, I see you having enough, but the custody battle will be with her, not her son!
Whenever I hear of an MIL calling someone else's baby "her baby" it sends off warning bells. OP needs to shut that down right away. If she says that again OP needs to clarify that MILs baby is her son.
Prepare for your boyfriend to take and drop of the baby without your permission at this stage OP, protect your child, they should always come first.
I personally wouldn't leave my offspring with anyone that isn't the parent for more than 2 hours, let alone overnight??
> My boyfriend says I’m being unreasonable and it’s a simple request and that I’m making things difficult on purpose.
Your SO and your MIL are both shitty selfish people.
Maybe but let's not go too far. The SO is clearly caught in the middle and like most partners, he may be oblivious to OP's needs. OP needs to be completely up front about the needs of the child, what is in the child's vets interest and the boundaries that won't be broken. If JNMiL demands time, she can say it doesn't work with her schedule. OP has all the power and all she has to do is retain it. A vice grip. Better to begin with the power and maintain it rather than have to fight for control. I'm sure there are plenty of ways to get SO to side with OP,but we need more info to make a proper assessment. I'm not saying you're wrong but at this point we can't be certain you're right.
Put a definite end to her saying “MY baby,” simply reply with:
“ I did not know you secretly had had another baby mil?!”
If she then retaliates back about it being your baby reply with:
“Oh you mean MY baby and BF baby, your GRANDCHILD!
Oh dear best clear up that confusion because it would be really weird and vile for anyone to think YOU and your SON had a child together!”
“No mil twice a week doesn’t work for me as primary caregiver to our child but I’ll let you know when a good time is for us.”
Just greyrock and leave it at that. She’ll CBF and ramp up but document and record everything (if legal).
Ideally only have communication via messenger, text or email so you have proof of everything and nothing can be twisted.
I’d start doing the same with your bf also and tell him couples therapy is needed yesterday for you both.
Fuck no. Shes trying to use the baby as emotional support and im certain shes gonna try to alienate. Shes using the baby as emotional support for the loss of her mom or is trying to use your baby as the baby she never had. In the sense that she's gonna try to trick the baby into believing she's the mom. Id tell her to seek therapy before she can see your daughter again. Your boyfriend as well. Cause he sounds too beta to be accepting of this. But all in all you need to keep your child away from your MIL as far as possible.
Hell no! I tell people all the time. I don’t HAVE to do anything but stay black and die. And Michael Jackson taught me I don’t even have to stay black anymore. You do what’s best for you and the baby and your emotional health. We teach kids to ask for things nicely maybe MIL need to watch seasame street or Barney.
Your mil does not get to "make rules" about your baby.
She is not making a reasonable request.
Your SO needs to figure out how to stand up for you and the baby.
I suggest couples therapy before any further kids or marriage.
Who the fuck does she think she is telling you what you HAVE to do?
Don't. Give. In.
You are not being unreasonable! They are! This is your child not her emotional support animal. This is not her chance at a do over baby. This is her grand child. That is it. She spends time with your child at your whim not hers. She comes to you. Always. Do not let her have your child unsupervised on her own turf. She will forget that she isn't the parent and chaos will ensue.
Tell your boyfriend that he needs to remember that he is a father first and a son second. His daughters needs come before anyone else's wants...even his own. Time to grow up.
Make sure this stops. She will try to tell your child she's the mother. Especially with the you have to bring HER baby over twice a week. You need to tell her no this is MY baby, not a emotional support person or your pretend daughter.
You need to nip this in the bud right away. Giving in to this kind of demand for your child is going to wind up being the expected standard if you don't. You are absolutely correct that your child is not an emotional support infant for some nutty old broad who's lost a parent. She needs a grief counselor not another person's baby. The fact that shes already referring to your child as hers is problematic enough. I'd tell the boyfriend he's lost his damn mind if he thinks it's normal to "loan" out a 7 month old infant twice a week, that it does impair bonding time that needs to be spent with the primary caregiver and that if he wants his mom to have a baby of her own so badly he can pay for her IVF it's not your job to facilitate her wants and needs with y'all's kid.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable. She sounds like a nightmare.
My advice though would be to be really open with your boyfriend - finding a new way to explain to him how you’re feeling. He needs to have the opportunity for understand your perspective so he can support you, without that, you’re sadly the minority and will always feel defensive / attacked as a result.
There is nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. Articulate it in a loving, vulnerable way and your boyfriend will come to realise the same thing and then feel empowered to support you, consolidating the family unit :)
Like an emotional support dog ?
There you go. Get her a puppy!
Do NOT give her your baby 2 times a week. I'm sorry she had a loss, but if you let her get her hands on your child now, she's going to smother that baby and spoil her and ruin her. You ARE NOT being unreasonable. SAY NO. No No No No. You bf is a being a fool.
You are the child's mother. It's your job to protect her. If you let the baby other there, she's going to slowly take over your role in the baby's life, telling the baby to call her 'mama' etc etc etc. If she's so torn up over her loss, she can GO TO THERAPY. A baby is NOT a support blanket.
Do Not Question yourself. Protect your child from her. Don't let your bf talk you into it either.
Absolutely do not do that. She's not a parent she doesn't get a custody agreement with someone else's baby. Tell your boyfriend it is a big deal and won't be happening. If she wants a baby over there so bad, HE can go there twice a week since he's her baby.
You are correct in saying that your child is not an emotional support animal, and your BF sucks for not supporting you and your child. He is putting his mommy's needs above yours. Stay firm and strong in keeping your child at home. If his mom wants to visit ONCE A WEEK, she can come over to your house after asking and arranging a visit in advance. It truly doesn't matter what his mother says or demands. Simply ignore it and move on with your life. If BF continues to say that you should just give his mommy what she wants, I strongly suggest getting into couples therapy.
Yes she has a point and she wants to make your seven months old son clean her tears and all you need to do is to play your role as a mother...
This is their first post/relationships
As the title says: she’s extremely possessive of our daughter whose 5 months old, and is weird about her spending time with my family. She thinks our daughter will forget who she is if she’s around my family, and she’ll start to think my mom is her mom.
We live with her family currently, and our daughter sees them all day everyday and my family gets a little sad because it’s unfair but my wife won’t budge.
My grandma just died, and the whole entire family is emotional and realizing how important time is and they’ve put up with my wife not taking our daughter over there for 5 months but they want it to change.
Since our daughter was born, she’s been at my families house ( which is 5 mins away) maybe a total of 5 times and my wife is super weird afterwards.
She’s so jealous and worried and possessive and I’m getting so tired of it. My family is having a hard time, and my mom asked if we can start bringing our daughter over there more often and now my wife is upset.
I’m not sure what to do about it, because it is unfair. My family has helped with our baby so much and they love her to death, and my wife has such a weird attitude toward them for no reason. She tells them to come and see the baby whenever they want, but they’d rather us go over there because this house is already pretty full.
I need some advice or to know if this is normal? I don’t know.
Tl;dr; wife is possessive of our 5 month old and won’t let her go to their house. When my family asks us to bring her, she gets a weird bad attitude for no reason toward me and everyone else. We live with her family and it’s not fair. She’s just worried the baby will prefer my family over her or get confused and think they are her mom 🤦🏽♂️ is this normal? I’m so fed up with it
It is completely NORMAL for THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD to be "possessive" of HER BABY. 🤦 No matter what losses your extended family is suffering it doesn't make it ok to take a child and turn them into some kind of therapy blankie bc you're upset to see your mom hurting. Your child isn't even a year old. There will be plenty of oppurtunities to be around her. The entire world was under lockdown when she was born and it's not odd for the mother to be more preoccupied with keeping the child safe and bonding with her than satisfying your family's demands. I really don't understand how if your family has been welcomed to come visit repeatedly and just refuses bc "it's crowded" how your gf is keeping y'all's daughter from anyone? I'm sorry but y'all need to get a grip a 7 month old infant being seperated from their mother twice a week to go be with grieving grandma just bc she won't go to y'all's residence is NOT REASONABLE. Nor is it reasonable to allow your mother or extended family to tell your gf what she will or won't be doing with her own baby. The instinct to protect is there for a reason. Your mom had it with you and your wife deserves to have it with her child. If your mom wants a baby of her own so badly that's on her to make arrangements for.
I just looked at your account and 2 months ago you posted as the boyfriend thinking your wife was unfair to your family by not letting your daughter come over more often. In that post you admitted that they treat her poorly and are jealous because you live with her parents. So who are you? The wife? You trying from a different angle to see if you get a better result to your question?
She wants to help with the baby - she may come visit and do what the parents say. She wants your kid as a comfort pillow - she may go fly a kite.
Who did all the work to get squish here? Who keeps treating the new mama like shit? Who has THE last word about squish? YOU. Mil gets what you LET her have. If bf thinks it isn't enough, HE can entertain mom. I bet that idea goes over like a fart in church. Tell BF that your child is not anyone's emotional rescue animal. Mil needs to handle HER emotions. Your child does NOT have that responsibility. If BF keeps insisting mommy is ahead of you and HIS child, he needs to hang with mommy/since her feelings come before anyone.
edit a word
Now that lockdown has eased here, I pop over to visit my granddaughter and her mum once a week. At the end of each visit, we set a day for the following week. On the morning, I check that everything is still ok. I have a rough idea of their routine and make sure I time myself accordingly. Then, I have a fabulous time playing, being silly and chatting with mum. I try to be sensitive to them and leave when baby starts to get tired because I don't want to get into a situation where mum starts to dread my visits.
I don't visit every week, because life. I don't expect to be accommodated, would never dream of demanding time and frankly, the visits tire me out!
You aren't being unreasonable at all. She's feeling lonely so she's demanding your baby fill the void. A couple, hell even a handful of visits to her a month could be reasonable depending on the person, but *demanding* 2+ a week is not.
Okay, here's the deal: If she was a reasonable person, and was just getting a panic because that loss showed her how valuable spending time with family is, what would be different? I think that's the answer to your problem, because in that case, she'd made sure that you, who is part of said family, not only get the final say, but she would have made everything in her power to make the idea comfortable for you.
That could include stuff like sitting down for how to make this benefit you (babysitting two days a week can be beneficial for working parents for example), talking about rules (how to treat the baby, what to feed or not to feed, who to contact in case of x), whatever else.
Instead, she "made a rule". No, that's not okay, and you know it, and your boyfriend should know it. The person who's unreasonable is the one who's acting like she can impose rules on two adults who have the legal responsibility for a baby, and thus can decide where the baby is at all times.
I'm also extremely concerned how your boyfriend treats this, throwing your normal reaction right at you. Your baby is not "her baby", it's not her "finally a girl" baby, and she has no final say in this. And especially, she doesn't have to tell YOU, and only YOU (not him) what to do. e should seriously think about where his priorities lie - is it his mother who imposes, or his family? Because he might lose you two if he thinks his mother is more important than you.
It can be extremely difficult to stand up for yourself at times but you need to tell her that she can't make the rules for your child. I'm afraid that it will only get worse if you don't put your foot down. I'm sorry you don't have a supportive partner and wish you all the best.
First of all she isn’t this baby’s mother and she doesn’t get to make rules for her or you or anyone. Actually that’s all.
You're not overreacting at all.
It should ALWAYS be the baby's needs first, then her parents, then everyone else. Your MIL is trying to use your daughter for comfort, which is never a good thing to burden children with.
Also, her demanding manners are unacceptable. Don't give in. Try to make compromises, but if she shoves all and everything off the table, simply don't let her have her way and play by your rules. It's YOUR child, she had her chance with hers.
You are 100% not overreacting, She’s using your boyfriends grief to manipulate the situation to fit her wants. If your boyfriend is not going to listen to you then you need to be strong for you and baby and make sure you don’t bow to her demanding baby time. Try and be busy, ignore calls, play dumb with your bf if you have to. Do you have family that can support you? Coz she will kick off but you should double down. I would have one more convo with the bf to get him on side and if he refuses then you do you and baby
As many others have said, your baby is not a crutch for MIL to lean on in her grief, nor is she a do-over for her to play with when & where she demands.
Tell your SO this. Tell him it's not a simple request and you aren't making things difficult. His mother is. Tell him that MIL is not LO's mother, she doesn't get to make demands of your or your LO's time like that, and you won't be bossed around by someone who doesn't recognise that you are both adults, and therefore she is not in charge of either of you and she certainly isn't in charge of your LO. If she kicks off at your answer, that's her problem to deal with.
This. Oh this.
Remember - “No.” Is a complete sentence!
“No.” You don’t owe any explanation- you don’t owe any reason- you don’t owe her anything. Be strong, and use your power word, just simply say “no” and leave it at that. If she says why, “I said no, there doesn’t have to be a reason. I’m the mother and I say no.” And then from there on only say no or just ignore her as if you didn’t hear her and move on. Don’t let up, put your foot down. If you give her an inch she WILL take a mile.
You are not being unreasonable.
You are not being unreasonable and this behavior of hers will only get worse. Sounds like she wan to your baby or at least thinks that she has a say in the decisions regarding your baby. Put your foot down now before it’s too late op
Twice a week? That's more than my dad got in the divorce! (Every other weekend and alternating holidays.) She wants your child to spend nearly 30% of the week with her (28.57% to be exact) so she can what? Pretend to be baby's mom? Your child isn't a toy, she isn't an emotional support animal, she.is.a *baby*. Put your mama foot down and refuse to comply with her ridiculous demands. She sees baby when it's convenient for you, *her actual mother*.
All good hun. Her Baby has to spend 2 nights with HIS mommy. Maybe hire some help while Boyfriend goes and takes care of his Mommy?
Oooh this to. He is mil baby
You are not being unreasonable and you are not crazy. This is your daughter and who she spends time with should be dictated by you and her father. Twice a week is an utterly ridiculous demand to make. If she wants to see the baby she can do so on your time line or not at all. Set firm boundaries now because she will continue undermine you if you don't
“No that doesn’t work for me.” Rinse and repeat. If you seem like you’re open to discussion, she’ll push till she gets what she wants. Just shut it down and refuse to discuss.
Your child, YOUR RULES!
You're not being unreasonable at all.
That's a huge demand. Why isn't boyfriend taking baby over occasionally not expecting you to jump when called
You've got your own life, your own time you want to spend with your child, your own plans and whilst I'm sure you'll support a relationship with his mother - it's not up to you to say how high when she says jump.
Do not let your baby visit MIL without you. That's what she wants--unfettered access to your baby.
You're not being unreasonable; you're not overreacting. She doesn't get to make rules. Your daughter is NOT "her" baby. She can see YOUR baby when you invite her to do so.
When you have a baby, anyone you see twice a week regularly, who is not specially present per your request for reasons related to your enjoyment needs to fall under the category of household help.
NTA. Who gave birth here?? This is YOUR baby, not hers. Stand your ground.
A baby isn’t an emotional support device. Once a week should be ok unless she requests to come visit you guys, then that should be on YOUR terms.
Read or listen to a book on boundaries. Get SO to do so as well. If he was raised with her running all over him, he probably doesn’t understand what things should look like. It’s like he and normal have not really crossed paths.
Meanwhile, assume the commenters are right and that custody will become a problem because it might. That will help your resolve. And your resolve will help MIL begin to see that her demands will not be met. The fact that she’s telling you what to do is enough reason not to comply. As You seem to know, “Would you and baby be able to make it over for lunch sometime this week?” Is an example of something reasonable to consider.
No you aren't being unreasonable.
If she was requesting and she didn't over parent that might be a different matter.
Just stick to your guns. Maybe try calmly at first correcting her when she says her baby, and gradually get firmer with it.
Good luck you can do this.
why dont his mom come to visit the baby?! the baby dont have to move so much and that behavior actually shows the love of a grandma for her niece
Hell no definitely NOT unreasonable. That’s a lot of time for LO to be with someone you aren’t comfortable with. She wants baby at *her* home so she can play mommy - dress baby in clothes that she’s bought, feed her formula or baby food she thinks LO should be eating, set her up a ‘nursery’ area, change diapers and use the brand she wants - *grandma wants to play pretend and use your child as an emotional support animal.*
Absolutely do NOT let this happen!! If she wants to visit, she can drag her butt to your house. Why should you pack up all of babies stuff, get LO on a car seat, get to MILs and unpack, find out baby wants or needs something else from home.
I would also say that your baby’s schedule is important for development. When it’s nap time, MIL needs to leave if she’s visiting.
Are you guys living on one of her properties? Or did she lend you any money?
This happened to us a while back. She used to just barge in and see the baby without any notice because we were living on her apartment.
We got tired and moved out eventually. Now we see her only 4-5 times a year.
Firstly, your baby isn't a grief counselor and no one should be using her as such. MIL needs to get therapy if she needs help dealing with the loss of her mother.
Secondly, no one gets to tell you that will have your child and when and where. This is your child not MIL's. Anyone who feels comfortable issuing demands about your child will be highly unlikely to listen to any of your rules or boundaries for caring for said child, this means you cannot trust her to care for your child in the way you want her to and that makes her inappropriate childcare.
Lastly, you didn't have a baby for her.
Start with your SO, tell him that you did not have a baby for his mother to raise, that she will not be caring for YOUR child and if he ever tries to make out you are the inappropriate one for not giving your baby to his mother upon her issuing demands, then you will pack him a bag and he can go home for her to baby. He had a baby with you and if he thinks he's going to hand her over to MIL in order to appease her he can think again.
As for MIL, tell her no, don't wait for SO, send her a text that tells her she is not your authority, she has no entitlement to your baby and you will not be bringing Lo over. In future, when she tells you what date and time only go if it works for you, if it doesn't tell her no and offer her an alternative, if she throws a tantrum you don't go at all.
The most infuriating and brilliant response to "this is a requirement, not a request" is
>"Yes it was a request, and it isn't convenient for me"
It is understandable that your BF and his mother are trying to process their grief. But what his mother is proposing isn’t a healthy environment for a 7 month old. Send your BF, not your child, to provide her with supportive words and comfort.
You're not being unreasonable. When my kids were <1 I visited my own mum about once a month. And I love my mother, who is supportive and a sweet heart. With a MIL I don't like... Well, I'd be willing to take my baby there once every few months.
How often does your boyfriend visit his mother? Does he go there multiple times a week? (Or did he use to go?) I don't think your MIL's request is simple at all. She's asking for you three to alter your life quite a lot just for her enjoyment. You, your baby and even your boyfriend do not exist in this world to comfort her, you are your own unit and you live your life as it fits you best. Besides, what sort of an authority does your MIL think she is, when she's giving you rules about **your** baby?? You and the father are the only ones on this earth to make rules about her being! Your MIL may ask very nicely, if you would take time to visit her a bit more often, now that she's feeling down because of her mother's passing, and you decide whether or not you're willing and how much this "more often" is. This rule making is absolute bullshit and you should not have to comply!
I'm a bit concerned about your bf's attitude in this. Is he doing ok? Is he distraught about his gran's passing? If he is, he might be speaking of a broken heart. If not, it feels as though he just wants to please his momma. He should ask himself, who gets to make decisions about your family, is it convenient for you to take your baby there so often, how will he support his baby the best.
About your MIL taking over things and using your baby as a do-over: is your bf aware of this? How does he react to it?
No you’re not being unreasonable, nobody gets to make rules or requests about having your child but you.
Absolutely not. Her request is absurd. It being a demand is absurd. Your boyfriend agreeing with her is absurd. Hold your ground. She can demand all she wants but your baby isn't hers and you don't have to do any such thing.
Hell no! 7 months is young and a baby isn't an emotional crutch
If she was a nice person, and respected boundaries, I would definitely consider it.
But your boyfriend's mom sounds a grade A word I can't use here so, hell naw, you're NTA.
Absolutely not. This is how grandparents rights cases are established and won. Don’t give her scheduled, unsupervised access to your baby like this. Visit as a family, leave as a family. No alone time.
Your boyfriend can visit his mum, alone, as much as he likes while they’re grieving, but your baby will have no memory of her great-granny and it’s not fair on her to be treated as an emotional support animal.
Your MIL and your bf are being unreasonable.
Stand your ground. He might not be able to see it right now because he is grieving and dealing with a grieving mom, but if he's not an awful partner, he will eventually side with you.
For now, don't engage on any discussions with him. Be assertive and stand your ground, set your boundaries, and make it known they are not up for discussion.
You're not being unreasonable. Your SO and his mum is.
She sounds like she needs a grief counseler. Your newborn is not meant for her emotional support.
The same way she's making rules and not budging from them because "she's the mom" (and no doubt sees her son as a baby) ... Well, you are the mom now, too!! That child is yours, not hers. Protect that baby- it's your duty. If you let this slide, she'll only get worse. It's gonna be uncomfortable to stand up to her, but for your baby's and your sake, do it now.
You don’t HAVE to do anything except die and pay taxes.
She has ZERO say in rules regarding your daughter.
Your boyfriend needs to understand the concept of autonomy. No one tells you what to do. He also needs to learn the concept of adulthood. It’s a magical time when we stop listening to our parents because we get to decide the course of our own lives.
NO. No one gets to order twice weekly visits to a new mom with a 7 month old baby. That is selfish, inconsiderate and putting the baby’s health and well-being at risk in a pandemic. That grandmother doesn’t give a shit about your daughter, she only cares about her own wants and feelings. If they want to see her they can visit you. Stand your ground OP.
Well if she can make a rule, SO CAN YOU.
Your new rule - she HAS to come to your house twice a week - to clean and cook.
Because you're buzy playing and bonding with baby, loving her and teaching her fun things so you don't have much time for cleaning and cooking.
See how ridiculous that sounds.
Because ir is.
Who on earth ever thought it was ok to make up 'rules' for someone else's life?
Your bf needs to get his head out of his ass and learn that you and babe come first.
Every. Single. Time.
Because if he can't do that he's not a man to travel through life with.
You should both get some counseling so you can find a path together through the maze of life.
If he can't or won't then YOU need to decide if you want to live this life of 'rules" or create a healthy loving household for your squish to grow up in.
Start by showing him this post and all our responses.
If he goes ballistic- well then he answered the question for you didn't he.
TRUST YOUR GUT.
It is always on your side.
I wish I could upvote this comment a thousand times more!
Twice a week is a huge time and energy commitment that you should never just demand of people. No, and your bf has no right to try and demand it of you either.
Hey op, what's up with that post history? Did you guys share an account at one point or is this some creative writing? Either way this account has two different people supposedly writing on it.
OP, can you explain please?
No is a full sentence, and grandma doesn’t get to set parenting rules.
I don’t know where your boyfriend gets off making you the bad guy here. You don’t share custody with his mum. She’s *telling* you she gets your infant daughter for a third of the week?? One no to a demand like that from either parent is a no.
Tell her to get a dog or a therapist, but your baby isn’t here for emotional support or a do over.
What if you alternated visits and suggested 2-4 visits a month. Where you make a visit to her house and then makes one to your house and vice verse? That way there’s an equal share of driving. It’s a lot of work to take a baby anywhere. Let alone for hours on end. I don’t take my baby to my in laws all the time. They know at this point that they too have to come over and visit because my husband is gone for the military and I’m alone and it’s just a lot of work to pack up my daughter and be all day. I do it sometimes but only if they are also putting in the work.
Fuck that - you don’t have shared custody with her. Even one day a week would be exhausting enough. Just say no, that it doesn’t work for you - tell her to contact you every Monday and you’ll let her know if you’ve got a free afternoon the coming week at that point.
“You are right, time is precious and I will not give up my child for 30% of her life to someone else. Your mother can come to visit, every other week on Friday, from 11am to 1pm. We will visit her on special occasions. Otherwise, I intend to raise my child and enjoy every minute.”
That’s still a GPR risk because it’s a scheduled visit and if it’s offered in writing and then withdrawn one week a lawyer could use it as evidence that regular, established grandparent access is being obstructed.
The best way is sporadic visits that are never on the same day in a row. Visits should be scheduled at OP’s convenience and if MIL can’t make it one month, that’s it until the next visit offered in a month/6 weeks.
This woman already wants to parent over OP because she thinks OP’s baby is her little girl. She probably is crazy enough to go for GPR if provoked.
Uh, no. GRANDMA has NO SAY in where YOUR baby goes or who YOUR baby sees. And without both parents agreeing, your shit spine BF has no say alone either.
One of the Yes's is not a parent... And isn't owed anything. It's a 50/50.
I feel like you need some hard shutting-down of bullshit here. Take this line:
> she said I “have” to take “her baby” to her house twice a week at the LEAST
"You don't *have* a baby, MIL."
or there's "MY Daughter goes where I say she goes, and when, and for how long, and with who. You've overstepped and made a fool of yourself again."
or perhaps "I am LO's mother. You do not dictate my life. You are not my owner and LO isn't your emotional support animal, baby doll, or pet. Get a therapist or a dog, but stop trying to take over my child."
Or even, "This is not your decision to make, and never will be. When you start to treat me like the adult in charge of LO, we'll talk about visits." (Make sure child care is never up in the air so she can badger your SO into calling her to drop off LO.)
2 days a week is more like "shared custody" time than visiting a grandmother. Hell even with the good one I had growing up, I saw her maybe 4 hr every other month. The JNGrandmother turned up at school events to shit on me and my JNMother and then gradually just didn't bother to engage outside of Easter, her birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas (and those days were about 6 too many).
The more time your MIL spends elbowing you out of the way with your own child, the stronger her claim for grandparents rights may be in some states, in the U.S. at least. This may be worth discussing with a family lawyer in case she doesn't start working on her grief in a productive way and continues to try to alienate you from your daughter.
In the meanwhile, stand your ground with your SO. "Fair" and "equal" are two different things and what you say goes with a baby. You don't "have" to do anything with someone you're not related to, who is worse to you in person than she would be to a stranger in line at the grocery store.
And what about your family? Why is it only his that gets to see the baby?? Honestly it doesn’t even really matter because it your kid, not hers. She is grandma not mama, your boyfriend needs to be on board that she doesn’t make demands for your family
The only people that makes rules for your baby are yourself and your boyfriend. You are not an incubator for her baby. She can ASK respectfully. And even then, you can still say no!
Um, your baby you birthed, not hers, and frankly your boyfriend is such a momma’s boy he should move back in with her to be her emotional support. The fuck? She needs to stop taking your baby, and baby her baby who clearly still suckles from her boob.
And a jelly spined one at that.
You are not overreacting.
They’re treating you like you were the incubator for MILs do-over baby. I would do NOTHING to set a precedent for visiting, let alone twice a week. Your SO needs to cut the cord.
Okay, so this isn’t even your boyfriends kid? This is your daughter. Absolutely the fuck not. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY but you has a say in what happens to your daughter, where she goes, who she’s around, any of that. You decide and that’s that. You’re not being unreasonable. I am married and have a 15 month old daughter.
My MIL lives 20 minutes away, and only seems her maybe once a month, and tbh, that’s almost too much for me.
She says “our” kid, so I do think it’s both of their child.
NTA. That's unreasonable, especially since she seems to see your DD as her do-over baby.
You and your partner set the rules for your child. No one else.
Do not let anyone do anything you don’t want, even when it’s family.
No one should be taking a newborn for 2 days a week, and FORCING YOU TO DO ANYTHING, if you’re available.
She isn’t entitled to your child, her time or entitled to make you uncomfortable. She needs to accept her new role as a grandmother not a mother.
Sounds like she’s trying to ease into your space I’d have a set plan in place for if your boyfriend doesn’t respect your boundaries either.
Your baby your rules.
If you can’t respect the mother you don’t get access to the child is my motto. And as long as the male party is RESPECTFUL to you as well then he gets the same say. But I wouldn’t let them control an ounce of your newborns time. MIL had her time with her babies. It’s your turn ❤️
Try to get your boyfriend to understand I had to remove my husband from the FOG of his mother’s manipulation as well. I’m just gonna throw it out there that he’s a lot happier and free spirited now.
Not her baby, your baby. She’s quite entitled and delusional here it seems! Your boyfriend is grieving so probably not thinking straight. Still, he needs to grow a spine and say no!
Oh heck no The moment someone makes it a rule that might get asked to visit is the last time my kid visits. 🤷♀️
That’s what I’m saying YOU MAKE THE RULES NOW MAMA BEAR! Don’t apologize for showing your claws. Sometimes that’s the only way to gain respect.
What?! She’s making it a rule?! The only people that get to make the rules are the people that made the kid!
Y’all. Please check out OP’s comment history. It seems like her boyfriend posted (since deleted) and the comments will give you some serious insight into what this poor woman is going through.
Shame on your partner, OP. I hope you find the resources and guidance to help you stand your ground with these inconsiderate people.
Am I reading something wrong? The only other comments seems to be about "my wife".
> now his mom is making it a rule
She is making it a rule with *your* baby? Who the fuck does she think she is?
Tell her you've made a rule that she has to move to Siberia.
Perhaps saying to her “if you know how precious time is then you can understand why I will be keeping that time to make memories with my daughter.”
Tell your bf hell no. Your LO is not going there two times a week.
Please do not agree to this. If you let her set and keep a strict visit schedule, she can and WILL be able to use this in court to prove an "established relationship" with your daughter, and may possibly be awarded court-ordered grandparent visits. I fell into this trap with my ILs after my partner died. They forced a schedule when I was too vulnerable to stand up for myself, and when I later tried to set healthier boundaries, they sued (for overnight weekends and a weeknight!) and nearly won.
Jeepers. You tried to do the right thing (keep up a relationship with their side of the family) and they used it against you :(
You’re not even married to this man.... his mother has NO right to say or demand anything!
You're the mom. You make the rules, not her. Boyfriend is deep in the FOG.
OP you should consider growing a spine and putting your foot down both with your bf and his mom. You are the mom which makes you one of two bosses when it comes to your daughter. Speak to your boyfriend and get on the same page. Set hard boundaries with grandma and enforce consequences accordingly. The longer you let this woman control things the harder your life will be and the harder it will be to get her in line.
I’m sorry....I’m not rearranging my life for anyone twice a week so someone else can play”happy do-over mommy” with my baby because they had an epiphany about time being precious!! MY TIME is precious with MY baby! She can make all the demands and commandments she wants but let BF know it’s not mine OR baby’s problem!
2 days a week??? That may as well be a custody arrangement. You're right to feel the way you do. Once a week would maybe be reasonable if she were willing to come to you, but yeahhhh this wouldn't fly with me.
No, you're not being unreasonable at all.
Long-time posters here have observed that "my baby" is always, without exception, a giant flapping red flag. "My [pet name for Baby]" or "my grandbaby" may or may not indicate a problem, but "my baby" always does.
Your boyfriend is wrong.
If she can't come over to your house and socialize with you, while also getting to enjoy the company of **your** baby, then she doesn't actually want to socialize with family. She just wants to slurp up attention and affection from "my baby" while "my baby" is too young to understand that Grandma only cares about what she can get from him.
Also, what other concessions has your boyfriend demanded from you because he can't tell Granny to butt out?
Repeat after me
My baby is not prozac.
Also your boyfriend is a POS
No one can force you to pander to her ridiculous commands. It takes 2 yes’s to go somewhere but only 1 no to not go. Tell both MIL and SO it’s a no go. End of story.
Baby is having a meltdown, we can't budge. Sorry, not a good day... I forgot I had plans...
I love love love your solution of inviting her but not giving in into her demand. Keep this road with her and your SO.
If she doesn’t want to spend time with you (mother) and the baby she won’t get any time. It’s that simple.
Look, honey. She doesn't get to make ANY rules concerning your child, no matter what your boyfriend says. Period. End of story.
I’d laugh in her face. You are the parent and you decide who sees your child and when. She can’t demand anything. Tell her you will let her know when she can see the baby and that’s it. If she keeps it up then you won’t be available to see her until further notice.
I think you might need to hit up justnoSO cuz he's a huge part of your problem and I don't think you can fix the MIL half without fixing the SO half. Is your daughter even boyfriend's biological kid(it does make a bit of a difference)?
Deffo a 7 month old doesn't need to be anywhere 2 days a week if momma doesn't want them to be. And twice a week outings aren't "a small request" (ignoring that she's demanding, not asking). There are carseats or strollers, playpens, diaper bags, nursing around fmil or bringing bottles....and on and on and on. Plus her trying to parent your daughter is a huge red flag. You say you're serious with this guy, but ask yourself now if he's worth the drama of him not listening and his mom disrespecting you.
Uh she doesn’t seem to realize your an adult. Your SO needs reminding that he too is an adult. His mom is don’t parenting. So if she want to grand parent. It’s don’t under your rules. You are now in charge. It’ll be rough at first but she’ll catch on. You just need a little practice. Start with...”no.” Change the subject. No reason necessary. But think of her as a large toddler learning how she will not always get her way. You got this mom!
*" I told her to come here and visit, and she said I “have” to take “her baby” to her house twice a week at the LEAST*
*She didn’t ask. She told us that’s what we are doing. That’s how she always is. She doesn’t ask if we can bring the baby sometime, she’s always told us what day and what time."*
And you tell her " I said NO" This sounds like a custody arrangement, she is the grandma not the mum.
She doesnt get to dictate what you can and cant do with your baby and if BF completely folds for his mum and puts her needs over yours i think you have a mama's boy.
I wouldnt let her have unsupervised time like that till baby is aware enough and can talk, you know she'll undermine whatever your rules are.
If she wants a baby tell her to get her own
No is a full sentence. She does not get to demand anything. You are the parent. It’s disrespectful and entitled. She’s out of line. Your SO is a problem if he can’t see this.
“Bring me my child!”
You:” MIL LO is not your child. She’s mine and SO. And no. That will not be happening but you’re always welcome to come visit with advance notice.”
SO:” you’re making this into a big deal. It’s not. You’re overreacting.”
You:” ok. You’re allowed to your feelings but I do not agree. And while you are entitled to your opinions I am TELLING YOU right now that’s not happening. If you keep pushing this we will have issues. “
This would be my hill to die on. I recently have gone through my MIL trying to be the parent to my child. We went NC. That’s a HUGE deal. And your job first and foremost is to your child and protecting them. Even if it’s at the expense of your relationship with any SO.
When invited, not "with advance notice."
Ummmmmm why is she making up rules about your child? How does your partner think that’s okay??? Is he open to couples counseling because... that is not okay.
I would feel the same way! If she’s not even willing to come visit you in your home,just demanding you come over twice a week with the baby, as if you don’t have your own life? LOL, yeah right. That’s YOUR baby!
No, you're not overreacting. She does not dictate what you do. Your child isn't her emotional support animal and she isn't your boss.
"It's not a simple request. It's a demand. Your mom is the one making things difficult by trying to dictate what I have to do with my child. You are the one making things even more difficult by simply going along with it and gaslighting me. She is the one that's out of line acting like she has the authority to tell me what I HAVE to do. You are out of line suggesting it's somehow me that's the problem here for calling BS on that."
If she wasn’t being so demanding about it, it might be nice for you to have a few hours on your own twice a week to relax, catch up on your TV shows, go to the gym, etc. while your boyfriend is at his mom’s with the baby. But I’m sure it’s hard to agree to anything like that when she makes you feel so pressured.
Its a complete sentence.
MIL can make up any rule she likes, as long as it is a rule She has to comply with. The rest of you are under no obligation to follow the rule.
As for boyfriend, he can visit mommy anytime. You don't have to, no are you any obligation to wrap yours and your LOs life around HER schedule.
Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with that noodle spine?
Two days a week is a custody arrangement, not a simple request.
She definitely shouldn’t be making a rule. But really think about it. What is the harm? Why can’t the kid go over there twice a week? What is the harm is allowing your MIL to spend time and bond with your child? Just because you don’t want her to?
Because this woman is crazy enough to sue for grandparents rights and an established schedule of alone time twice a week would be enough to get it granted. OP would be throwing her parenting time away with both hands if she did this.
No is a complete sentence. Tell MIL this EVERY time she makes her demands. Tell your BF that your LO is not his mother's emotional support animal. You do NOT have to surrender your LO because his mother says so. She is the one being unreasonable. And so is fiance. A 7 month old should be with her mother, not her grandmother. When MIL says you "have to" tell her no you do not. And remind her LO is **YOUR** baby, **NOT** hers.
See a family law or divorce attorney ASAP to file for sole custody of your LO. Without this, your BF can just take your LO and hand her off to his mommy and you can't do a thing without a custody arrangement. Fully find out your rights, and responsibilities, concerning your LO and fiance.
Do you have another place you and LO can stay, with a relative or friend. This may get ugly. MIL may even go so far as to try and kidnap "her" baby. Talk to the police non-emergency line, or domestic violence officer, and explain your MIL demanding your LO and explain she is so cray she may abduct your LO. Follow their advice. Also tell the attorney who is helping with custody about this and ask about GPR.
At this point, she acting like a 3rd parent in this relationship and trying to get "visitation" time as if she is. She wants this baby 8 days a month? That is too much.
I know father's who only get 4 days a month in their parenting plan. So why would she get so much time as a grandmother? Someone needs to learn their place and know their role.
Ummmm once a month is a pretty generous amount
Twice a week is a joke some parents don’t even get that.
Put your foot down.
Don’t let your *boyfriend* push you around.
This isn’t even your husband! He has absolutely *no* say in what you do.
Tell him your baby is too young for you to make this large of a commitment.
You are a new mom. You want alone time with your baby to bond.
You realize that this is his mother. HOWEVER, this is NOT your mother.
As you don’t feel comfortable around her nor appreciate her ordering you around, you won’t be taking your baby to her house any more.
Furthermore, you won’t allow him to take the baby away from their mother.
If MIL wants to arrange with you a *convenient* time to visit at your house, you can work with this.
However, you don’t want to be committed to a regular time.
And this often is just excessive. You need a break.
When MIL comes to your house, don’t let her tell you what to do.
Tell her, “you’ve had your turn. It’s my turn now. I’m going to do things the way I want.”
Note: I had to tell my FIL the “It’s my turn” speech when my first son was under a year old.
"Mil, remember when you had babies? How would you like it if your MIL said, "Lois, you WILL follow my orders about the baby"
"I'm just trying to help!"
" 'Help' begins with 'would you like me to do such and such'. You haven't been offering to help, you've been giving orders. How would YOU have felt if your MIL had done that?"
She can "tell" you all she wants. You on the other hand don't have to listen.
If she calls repeatedly demanding, stop answering. If she calls hubby well that's nice but he's working (I presume) and also can't make you be the obedient little womb.
Uhhhhhh, you don’t have to do SHIT! Let alone take a baby to be your MIL’s emotional support grandbaby.
“Sorry, baby and I are going to Mommy and Me Class today. Because, you know, I’M THE MOM!”
When your baby is a toddler and says mummy I need two cookies everyday at least !!!!!! She doesn’t get cookies right?
Mil is acting like a toddler with demands. Reminder- she’s not a parent and so doesn’t get to make parental decisions. The maybe bigger problem is that baby daddy doesn’t see this. Someone needs to tell him that you and him are the parents and his mum gets zero say.
That’s not a request if she’s “making it a rule” that LO HAS to go to her house twice a week. That’s incredibly boundary-stomping of her. You are not overreacting or being unreasonable in any way shape or form. That’s so messed up that it’s making my blood boil that she just thinks she can tell you what’s going on. I wish your bf would support you more on this.
No. You are not being unreasonable. You also have an SO problem here as well. He wants you to knuckle under to make his mommy happy, and to Hell with what you want. Your child is not her emotional support animal. As the mother, you don't "have" to do anything. And SO needs to figure out if he is your SO and LO's dad or her son. You and little one are the priority, period.
This would also set a precedence for your child being used an emotional security blanket, and it will be more and more difficult to put a stop to it. Plus if your SO thinks you're unreasonable now, he'll have it confirmed in the future when you do try to push back the second, third, tenth time she wants your kid to be there for her -- I mean, if you bent once, twice, etc, why would you suddenly put your foot down?
That's not her rule to make. Don't let her call the shots with YOUR baby.
Not overreacting. Not. At. All. I know you didn't ask for advice but I have a nickel's worth free if you want it. I'd be making a rule that she's cordially invited to eat a bag of dicks every time she makes a new rule. You will graciously look at your/babys/bfs schedule with bf, and you will find a time that works FOR YOU. She is NOT invited to act an ass, and the first moment she starts her bull, you and baby will be leaving. If this doesn't work for her, she's invited to suck eggs. The end. Please check out the reading in the sidebar, it saved my life.
Also it’s pretty darn intrusive to just demand you bring LO to her. How about she offers to come to you and help our every once in a while? Maybe do some chores and take care of LO so LO can stay in her own house on her own schedule instead of MIL demanding she be toted around for MIL’s benefit
So "her baby" aka her son can go and visit her alone twice a week while you and your daughter are having some mom and daughter time
This is so perfect
Tell boyfriend and mil this is not going to happen. Your daughter will not be her emotional support pet.
Oh Hell No!!!! The only thing you have to say is that doesn't work for me. No more - no less.
Your BF is seriously in the FOG. this is not a simple request, it is a huge demand.
Shut that down now. She is not your boss. You are the mom! You make the rules. She follows your boundaries or she can cannot see LO. Do not give her any chance to upset your family. Your BF is not your boss either, tell him to back you up or move in with his mommie.
Get her a gold fish. Seriously.
>his mom is making it a rule that our baby goes to her house twice a week
Grandparents don't get to make rules. Parents do.
>I don’t agree with her using my baby for emotional support
That's exactly what she's doing. It's unhealthy. And her framing of this shows it's all for her. Not for LO, not for you. It's too much time apart for you and your baby.
>My boyfriend says I’m being unreasonable and it’s a simple request and that I’m making things difficult on purpose.
It is NOT a simple request (or a request at all, as you make clear). The person making unreasonable demands is the difficult and unreasonable one every time, but it says a lot about the dynamics of his family that he's trained to say anything mommy does is no big deal.
>I told her to come here and visit, and she said I “have” to take “her baby” to her house twice a week at the LEAST
>She didn’t ask. She told us that’s what we are doing. That’s how she always is. She doesn’t ask if we can bring the baby sometime, she’s always told us what day and what time.
There's about five different reasons here why you can't agree to this. Your MIL wants you out of the picture so she can live her do-over fantasy and to force your daughter into an unhealthy role of filling a void in her life. Shut this down, and let boyfriend know the matter's closed and if he ever tries to pressure you into something so unreasonable again, you are going to show him that an unhappy girlfriend can make his life a lot more unpleasant than an unhappy mommy.
EDIT: I really hope you post an update, and that you stay strong here. It would set such a destructive precedent to give in to her on this.
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