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Shitty Life Pro Tips

r/ShittyLifeProTips

A place for the shittiest, most mocking "pro-tips" you can think of. Whether you want to let us know how glue can help out your hair or the quickest way to clog a public toilet, we're the place to post. **Note**: For God's sake this subreddit is meant to be taken in a joking, satirical manner. Please don't actually follow any of this advice, and don't report posts as inciting violence. You should know this already, but some of you forget which sub you are in when you report.

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Created on 31 Jan 2012
12749
Posted by u/MrCoolyp123
SLPT : How to fall in love with 100% accuracy.
43 Comments Share Save
209
Posted by u/Cheifs_Cruise
SLPT
5 Comments Share Save
128
Posted by u/OverdriverJC
SLPT: If your brother walks in on you jacking off, do this. It's like Uno Reverse IRL
5 Comments Share Save
69
Posted by u/danseuse_ecarlate
SLPT: If you see someone do something impressive in public, start clapping, and encourage others to do the same. That way, nobody will believe them when they tell the story to others.
1 Comments Share Save
37
Posted by u/FABONJ
SLPT : If you're being chased by an aggressive animal, just stop running. An animal can't chase you if you're standing in place
2 Comments Share Save
32
Posted by u/gagnonca
SLPT: If you don’t have proper ear protection when working with loud machinery use regular headphones with max volume. It’ll block the noise from the machine and save your hearing
2 Comments Share Save
23
Posted by u/cplmatt
SLPT: At your wedding when dancing with your spouse, pick a song you absolutely despise. This way when you inevitably divorce at least you won’t have a song ruined for you.
2 Comments Share Save
23
Posted by u/Not_AM5
SLPT: No need to sort by top all time
0 Comments Share Save
11369
Posted by u/ModernRicey
SLPT: Extra hands and feet to help with housework
91 Comments Share Save
216
Posted by u/weird_kid666
SLPT I don't know if this is allowed or not, but here's one.
4 Comments Share Save
17
Posted by u/ilovebutsects
SLPT: cure constipation with Taco Bell and buttsex
3 Comments Share Save
9
Posted by u/Evening_Landscape892
LPT: Buy black sheets and white carpeting. You won’t regret how classy it looks for the first 45 minutes.
2 Comments Share Save
10
Posted by u/MadDawg248
SLPT: I honestly can't believe I haven't thought of this before. After failed attempts of using metal utensils and plastic utensils using metal tongs have been a game changer on how I get things out of the toaster. Easy, no burning.
4 Comments Share Save
39
Posted by u/Polishing_My_Grapple
SLPT: Just don't pay your taxes. The government can literally print money. They already have enough!
3 Comments Share Save
8
Posted by u/Asamsin
SLPT Never use a fingerprint as your mobile phone protection.
6 Comments Share Save
26
Posted by u/Yaboi696
LPT: instead of burrying a body under ground keep it up in the air
1 Comments Share Save
4
Posted by u/Null42x64
SLPT How to stop deforestation in amazonia
1 Comments Share Save
3
Posted by u/Plurkitto
SLPT: When chewing gum, remember to add in some nuts in your mouth, so you can get little rewards as you chew your gum!
3 Comments Share Save
8
Posted by u/wunderbraten
SLPT: When riding an ostrich, do not grab too tight on its neck.
0 Comments Share Save
8728
Posted by u/Corleone_Michael
LPT: lose weight quick, shit more
107 Comments Share Save
40
Posted by u/DirtyPrancing65
SLPT: If you're trying to be more frugal, try shop lifting
4 Comments Share Save
107
Posted by u/BiAdventureTime
SLPT If your partner is angry just tell them to calm down because that will calm them down 100% of the time.
11 Comments Share Save
52
Posted by u/ROGER_SHREDERER
SLPT: Find shards of broken glass fast by stepping barefoot in the area where you broke the glass. You'll be able to easily identify what is and isn't glass
4 Comments Share Save
121
Posted by u/Ayden43812
SLPT: Plug your computer into itself for free, infinite energy
8 Comments Share Save
16
Posted by u/Masol_The_Producer
SLPT: If you are getting bullied tell your bully that he will reincarnate as you and that any more harm he does to you will be done to himself.
3 Comments Share Save
39
Posted by u/infodawg
[LPT] If you're a slob who's too lazy to find the tag in your shirt before putting it on, just look for the all the grease stains, that's the front.
2 Comments Share Save
29
Posted by u/KaleBennett
SLPT: If you're tired of your power going out when it starts to rain, shut the power off before it starts raining.
2 Comments Share Save
1
Posted by u/metalvackal
SLPT: How to slash someones tires without getting caught.
0 Comments Share Save
22
Posted by u/blur410
SLPT: Don't go to work.
3 Comments Share Save
34
Posted by u/BiAdventureTime
SLPT: the easiest way to tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is to taste them.
3 Comments Share Save
23
Posted by u/Connie-the-Jellyfish
SLPT: Cleaning up broken glass? Run your tongue over the surface to collect invisible shards.
1 Comments Share Save
30
Posted by u/BallsofSt33I
SLPT: Become immortal - Increase your life expectancy by 20%
4 Comments Share Save
77
Posted by u/45MzN9G3vn
SLPT: If you're being chased by a Yeti, determine it's sex. If it's Male, run uphill, as it's large forehead means it'll have to stop periodically to look for you. If Female, run downhill, as her breasts will get in the way and she'll have to keep stopping to throw them over her shoulders.
8 Comments Share Save
28
Posted by u/newCoder250
SLPT: If you want to wake up at 5AM everyday, buy a dog/cat and start feeding them food at 5AM. Sooner or later, they will wake you up at 5AM everyday until you give them food.
11 Comments Share Save
5
Posted by u/blue4029
[SLPT] how to get free food
1 Comments Share Save
42
Posted by u/pbfoot3
SLPT: when reading make sure to open your eyes, it’s much easier to read without your eyelids in the way.
5 Comments Share Save
21
Posted by u/KaleBennett
SLPT: Replace the seats in your car with toilets so you never have to stop at a gas station.
3 Comments Share Save
6
Posted by u/TJR76806
SLPT) Hot trick to get more storage from your old DVDs: Crack them!
0 Comments Share Save
221
Posted by u/akitten21
SLPT: That’s one way to do it.
3 Comments Share Save
43
Posted by u/Ridin_the_GravyTrain
LPT: Dropped your seafood on the kitchen floor? Don't fret, just pick it up. Your floor is probably cleaner than the ocean.
1 Comments Share Save
11
Posted by u/Heavenly_Hymns
LPT: Shower in your clothes and stop doing laundry
3 Comments Share Save
29353
Posted by u/LWYPLTDG
SLPT: Help a brother out
201 Comments Share Save
9
Posted by u/shartbike321
LPT: avoid ever getting a parking ticket by removing your windshield wipers.
1 Comments Share Save
110
Posted by u/tvieno
SLPT When commiting a crime, carry a koala with you to leave confusing fingerprints.
10 Comments Share Save
28
Posted by u/N1kk1_K1ller
SLPT: Tired of cleaning and worrisome about robbers? Just leave your place as a mess, they won’t be able to find anything valuable if everything is everywhere. Plus if something gets moldy, it would push them out of your place even more.
2 Comments Share Save
108
Posted by u/The-Outcazt
SLPT If police pull you over for a traffic stop, don't be a black person.
15 Comments Share Save
0
Posted by u/lukalis79
LPT: Freeze some homemade broth in ice cube trays.
2 Comments Share Save
25
Posted by u/LapaTrust_
SLPT: If you want to get free cash for life, go to your nearest Best Buy or other electronic store and go to the computer section. Find the most powerful computers and install cryptocurrency mining software on them, now enjoy free funds going to your crypto wallet!
7 Comments Share Save
1
Posted by u/TheRealFatherTed
SLPT: Learner drivers - key facts to pass your test from experienced drivers. RED Stop, Green Go, amber/yellow Go Faster
0 Comments Share Save
30
Posted by u/Jack_is_a_RockStar
SLPT: If you want it done right, do it yourself
4 Comments Share Save