Posted by u/blackswany 14 hours ago

Will I ever know what the word love means?


[NOT LOOKING FOR ANY LECTURE]

It’s strange. When we’re little, we learn all these words. Some immediate and easy, some abstract and difficult. I’m 28 years now and I still don’t know what the word „love“ means. All I know about it is what I’ve heard from others. But it seems love never wants to meet me. After all these years, at this point when I’m so deep down in the darkness, now it almost seems as if love hates me, as if it did everything it could to avoid me. And I don’t even know why.

Years ago, when I still believed in a god, when I still had this silly evolutionary survival mechanism and self-narrative of there being a benevolent all knowing being, I tried to have faith by telling myself: I love god and he knows me better than I do, and maybe he doesn’t give me love because he knows what it would do to somebody like me.

But that is of the past. I don’t believe in a god or anything anymore and if I could incarnate my faith into flesh, I would burn it. The universe is cold, empty and random. It’s all chaos and you’re either luck or not. And I am not. After all these years, love still didn’t came around. Love still didn’t say hi back to me. Still didn’t greet me, still didn’t introduce itself. I feel so extremely excluded and ignored by it. When I was still a goodhearted faithful romantic little girl, I would have never ever imagined that at 28 years I still would be this lonely. That I would still feel as much of a ghost as when I was a girl. Love to me is like this one super popular person that is loved by everyone and that loves everyone, except you. Love to me is like this person at the fanciest club, surrounded by people, you try to say hi to and all it ever does is ignoring you. And you never know why. Nobody will ever understand how deeply desperately lonely, excluded and ignored I feel. I _needed_ love. I needed love like the oxygen I breathe, and I didn’t get it, and now my heart is wilting and shrinking. There have been so many situations where I would have truly needed love, needed a boyfriend to hug me and give me a kiss and say it’s going to be alright, and _I never had it_. I’m 28 years old and nobody ever said „I love you“ to me. Or sent me heart emojis, or called me „my girlfriend“. Every difficult situation I went through in my life, I had to go through it alone. And then all these people who have absolutely no idea how I feel tell me that I’m „strong“ for it which hurts me even more, because it makes it sound like I chose it. No, I am not strong because of it. I am nothing stronger than you or anyone. I am just like you. Except I didn’t get what you got. I didn’t get what everyone needs and I am weak because of that, not strong. Are you strong when you hold your breath for a minute? My heart had to hold its breath my whole life and it died. When you say that somebody is „strong“ for something they didn’t choose, you invalidate their feelings because they didn’t choose that situation and that „strength“. I didn’t go through all these years alone because I wanted to.

There it is again. The loneliness. The sadness, frustration, anger. Always trying to explain myself to those who will never understand. To the ones on the other side. To those who don’t know how dark darkness can be. To the lucky.

Maybe one day, I, this seemingly oddest of a person, will find another prime number, another individual, another soul like mine. And we will find that we are the same, that all these other people divided us, but that we match. I will keep going, my love. Not because I believed in love anymore. But because I still and will always believe in you.
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